Today in history

Today in history: President Bush declared "Iraq's army is defeated. Our military objectives are met." Except it was the other President Bush, and it was 1991.



Well, as Tom Lehrer said of the Germans, "they've hardly bothered us since then."



(The transcript of his victory speech can be found at the George Bush Presidential Library. At least he didn't make it on the deck of an aircraft carrier.)

Speaking of constitutions...

Vladimir Putin: "In accordance with article 117 of the Russian Constitution, I have decided today that the government is to resign." Hey, hey, hey there, don't give Bush any ideas about more ways to fuck up fuck with amend our a country's constitution, okay?



(You actually can spell "Rossiskaya Federatsiya" without "diktator" and "avtokrat," but...ah, I've got one: you can't spell it without "tsar.")

What's an eight-letter word for George Bush?

If you said either "dumbfuck" or "theocrat," you're right. ("Asshole" and "bastard" only have seven letters, and "dictator" isn't quite accurate quite yet.)



In the name of all that is and isn't holy, DON'T FUCK WITH THE CONSTITUTION. Or, to put it another way, "The Constitution? Don't fuck with it." Or, to put it another way, "Things to fuck with? The Constitution ain't one of them."



Especially when, if you start from the beginning, you get to the separation of church and state part pretty damn quick. Which, to put that another way, says "Sanctity? Shut the fuck up about it."



Well, I think I'm well-trained enough not to bite people when I'm this pissed off, and it's been a long time since a political speech has literally made me throw up (that was Pat Buchanan's "Judeo-Christian heritage" rant at the 1996 Republican National Convention), so I probably don't pose a threat to myself or others if I leave my desk now. I can probably even refrain from punching any brick walls or kicking any concrete curbs. And there's always Xanax. (Remember, kids: You can't spell "psychiatric medication" without "America.")

Reptile family values

New research on timber rattlesnakes—among the deadliest snakes in North America—shows that they're actually social and family-oriented: they care for their young, recognize their kin even after being separated at birth, and often live together in family groups. I'm not even going to bother with a "What's the difference between rattlesnakes and Republicans?" joke; fill in the punch line yourself.

Scorecard

I am heartened that a San Francisco judge has again refused to halt the city's same-sex weddings. (I'm trying to come up with a headline using the phrase "SF judge says STFU," but I can't figure out the rest of it.)



I am pleasantly surprised that a county in New Mexico was, briefly, issuing same-sex marriage licenses on Friday. (They stopped late in the day; more information on Monday, presumably.)



And I am downright shocked that the King of Cambodia has called for his country to legalize same-sex marriage. Well, damn. You go, king. It's rather internationally embarrassing that a country that's not many years away from killing fields and genocidal dictatorship might wind up giving a civil rights lesson to the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave.

Like a diamond in the sky?

Actually, it is a diamond in the sky: a white dwarf star that's been compressed into a 10 billion trillion trillion carat diamond. No word on whether it's one of those sparkly transparent diamonds, or just a black industrial-grade diamond; still, that's an awful lot of diamond. DeBeers would be really pissed off if someone figured out how to mine it. (I imagine that would be difficult, since getting anywhere near a white dwarf would probably result in getting sucked into its enormous gravitational field and vaporized in its intense heat. And it's not like the earth is running out of diamonds any time soon, anyway. They're a lot less rare than DeBeers would have you think.)

Words, words, words

Someone should invent a crayon-stain remover and call it "Cray-Off." (Somebody probably already has.)



If someone invented a mayonnaise-based sexual lubricant—and I really hope they don't, but if they did—they could call it "Mayonn-Ease."



If a group of eschatological Christians started playing Caribbean music, they could call it "Apocalypso."



(My brain just comes up with this stuff sometimes.)